


Dying to Live

by Carmenlire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, Early Mornings, Established Relationship, Immortal Husbands, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-25 23:52:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17735027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: “You know,” he starts, not looking at Magnus but instead focused on the early morning traffic. “Before I met you, I had a lot of bad days. I got pretty good at hiding them, though, so that no one but Jace and maybe Izzy noticed-- and even that was just some of the time. I remember graduation from the academy approaching and wondering if I’d make it until then.”Or, Magnus finds Alec out on the loft's balcony one morning, lost in thought.





	Dying to Live

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for mentions of depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts.

“What are you doing out here, darling?”

Alec hears the caution in his husband’s voice, though it’s mostly hidden by warm curiosity. It’s nothing so sharp as fear, nothing accusatory. The question is warm and seeps through Alec’s bones, just starting to thaw from their arctic chill.

He doesn’t answer for a minute, loses himself in watching the scene down below. There’s a child running down the sidewalk with a red balloon. It’s a mostly cloudy day, the sun peeking out in fits and starts, and Alec smiles a little as the mother, just a few steps away, catches up to the girl and swings her up into her arms.

The child’s laughter echoes down the block and is audible even up here on their balcony. Alec closes his eyes to soak it in.

It sounds like happiness. It sounds like peace.

With a shuddering breath, he doesn’t startle when Magnus’s arm wraps around his back, when his husband leans into his side and kisses his cheek, rough with week-old stubble, gently.

“How are you feeling today, Alexander?”

Alec doesn’t immediately open his eyes. Instead, he focuses on his breathing for a few seconds. He’s in a stretched out t-shirt that was once black but is now a washed-out gray. His sweatpants have seen better days and his bare feet are cold against the balcony.

He feels the beat of his heart and the early morning air is crisp and bracing in his lungs. He feels alive.

Opening his eyes, his gaze sweeps across New York before turning to face Magnus. He smiles, just a little, but his eyes are shining with contentment.

“I’m good,” Alec says, voice just a touch hoarse. “I’m better.”

Magnus studies him with a critical air before Alec sees something ease in him. “That’s good, darling,” he says softly. "I'm happy to hear that."

It’s quiet for awhile, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

Magnus thinks about the past week or so. While Alec is immeasurably better than he was a couple of years ago, he still has bad periods. His stumbles have grown few and far between but Magnus had seen the warning signs even before Alec.

His husband had been dragging his feet out of bed. While that wasn’t unusually in and of itself, it was noticeably different in that he didn’t climb out from under the sheets until Magnus kissed him on the back of the neck and murmured that he was about to be late. Alec would then swear, and scramble out of tangled blankets.

He almost looked like he was moving in slow motion, like every step forward was more effort than it was worth. Magnus had watched Alec for a few mornings and his concern only grew in his quiet silences, in the way he seemed a little out of it, not quite connected to the conversation or the world around him. Magnus would gently prod him and Alec seemed to shake himself, taking a moment to reply, to react.

Then there was the way that he just collapsed when he wasn’t working. He’s come home from The Institute and fall onto the couch, barely taking the time to toe off his shoes. Magnus would come home from a consult and find his husband sleeping. If Alec came home early-- which was happening more often than usual-- he’d be napping.

Even in his sleep, though, he frowned. Alec would wake up groggy and annoyed. What was worse, though, was when Magnus found him and he wasn’t sleeping-- he was staring at the blank tv or into the distance. He wouldn’t notice Magnus’s approach, would startle and offer a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Still another warning sign had been Alec’s utter disinterest in sex. Magnus had initiated it a few times over the course of several weeks and each time had been met with an apologetic grimace.

_I’m tired, babe. Maybe tomorrow?_

Magnus, of course, had nodded and kissed his darling husband on the cheek. While both of them had turned down sex once in a while, the two of them hadn’t done anything more than kiss in greeting for over a month. It seemed like Alec didn’t have the energy to stand most days, let alone anything else.

Alec has had the past few days off and has spent most of them in bed. At this point, they both knew he was having a bad spell and Magnus had done all he could to keep him afloat. Mostly, when Alec’s like this, he just needs a reminder that someone’s there, that he’s not alone.

Magnus had been a little surprised to wake up and find Alec out of bed. Exploring, his heart had leaped into his throat as he’d seen his husband out on that damned balcony.

Alec didn’t look in the grip of a spiral, though. No, instead he looked contemplative, calm, his gaze clear in a way that it hadn’t been for far longer than Magnus wanted to realize.

The two of them stand at the edge and stare down. There are the usual crowds on the sidewalk and as they study New York, Magnus feels something ease in him. He knows his husband better than anyone else. He knows what Alec looks like when he’s spiraling, when he’s so far down that they’re both worried about him climbing back out.

Releasing a quiet breathe, Magnus knows that they aren’t there-- at least not yet.

The fact that Alec’s outside is a good sign, even if Magnus would burn this goddamn balcony to the ground if he could. The fact that he’d said he was feeling better is the best news Magnus has heard all week.

His thoughts break off, however, as Alec speaks into the silence that’s wrapped around them.

“You know,” he starts, not looking at Magnus but instead focused on the early morning traffic. “Before I met you, I had a lot of bad days. I got pretty good at hiding them, though, so that no one but Jace and maybe Izzy noticed-- and even that was just some of the time. I remember graduation from the academy approaching and wondering if I’d make it until then.”

A chill shivers up Magnus’s spine but he doesn’t say anything, just pulls Alec a little bit closer and listens to his husband’s measured words.

“Then I came back to New York and went on mission after mission. Patrol was freedom but it still wasn’t enough.” Alec’s tongue wets his lips and he draws in a sharp breath that Magnus doesn’t even think he hears. “Sometimes I let demons land a lucky hit. Sometimes it was everything I could do to jump out of the way in time. Sometimes, everything in me screamed to give up-- I could die a heroic death, a shadowhunter's death, and no one would ever be the wiser.”

Gaze unseeing, Alec continues, “There was a long time when I didn’t want to be here. I couldn’t see a future worth a damn and nothing I did-- hanging out with Iz, practicing on the roof, _nothing_ \-- was enough to pry this weight off my chest. I thought I was doomed.”

He chuckles but it's bitter and cold and makes Magnus's heart lurch in fear. "I analyzed it rationally-- that's what I told myself-- one night when I was so fucking tired I couldn't see straight. I thought I'd be doing everyone a favor if I just disappeared. I still don't know what stopped me that night. Truth be told, I had a lot of nights like that, where exhaustion pulled at me and I couldn't imagine a good day-- where I couldn't imagine wanting to live."

Blinking furiously, Alec looks up at Magnus and his eyes soften. “But then I met you. Everything wasn’t immediately fixed-- _obviously_ ,” he says with an eye roll that makes Magnus smile because it’s more life than he’s seen in his husband in days. “But you made me hope. You made me want to see what life had in store for me-- and I’m here. I’m still here and I’m happy about it.”

He trails off for a for minutes and Magnus leaves him be, a little too focused on dislodging the lump in his throat at Alec’s words. His eyes close when Alec kisses his forehead and their breathing syncs.

“I still have bad days. They catch me off guard sometimes and sometimes it’s still hard-- _really_ hard-- to climb back out. But then I remember that I’m not the person I used to be. I’m not that cold, bitter shadowhunter that wanted to give up. I’m still here and I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

Magnus’s breath catches. It’s nothing he didn’t know. It’s no revelation. But, it’s still nice to hear the words, to hear the conviction and determination in Alec’s voice.

“I woke up this morning and everything felt just a little bit lighter than it had last night. I came out here and the sun is peaking out from behind the clouds and the noise of the city grabbed me by the throat. I’m glad I stayed,” Alec whispers hoarsely. “I’m glad that I fought and I’m glad that I’m still here. There were a lot of tough years but I’m thankful for the person I was because he fought and he’s stronger than he ever realized and it’s because of him that I’m standing out here on a spring morning holding the love of my life. I’m proud of him and I wish that he could have seen this-- just a glimpse at the future that would be his. I wish he could have known that he’d get everything he ever wanted and that it was sweeter than he could’ve ever imagined.”

Magnus blinks and shudders out a breath, doesn’t try to hide the tears as they spill over. He kisses Alec furiously and they both shudder at the taste of salt.

When Magnus pulls back, he sees Alec staring at him with a lifetime full of love and hope and contentment in his eyes.

“Oh my darling,” Magnus whispers. “I’m proud of him, too. I am so incredibly happy to be here with you now. I love you, Alexander. So much that I can’t imagine my life without you-- and I’m so glad that I’ll never have to even try.”

“I love you too, Magnus. I love you, too.”

Alec’s voice is quiet but fervent and his eyes fall shut as Magnus sweeps a hand through his hair and kisses the top of his head.

The two of them stare over New York and bask in the life they’ve been given. Both are thankful for second chances and hidden strength.

Both count themselves unimaginably lucky that their futures look so damned bright. Infinite and full of potential.

Magnus and Alec know that life won’t always be sunshine and joy. It won't always be easy. They both stumble and fall and claw their way back to the land of the living.

But.

They have each other and that makes all the difference.

They have life and never take that for granted.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr or twitter @carmenlire!


End file.
